We Need to Stop Blaming the Victims

I've started this post off with about 17 different opening lines so far, but none of them have been able to get across my deep seated frustration at what I see happening to victims of sexual harassment and assault. Frankly, frustration is probably too mild of a term. Seething anger may be a more apt description of how I feel. All too often, even when the victims are believed, they are still blamed for what happened to them. They are told they shouldn't have put themselves in that situation, they should have dressed differently, they should have had less to drink, they simply misunderstood, or a myriad of other bullshit excuses, designed to shift the blame onto the victim, instead of the perpetrator. How about we start holding those who can't keep their hands to themselves, responsible for their own behavior?  Let's stop making excuses. Stop saying boys will be boys, as if rape and harassment are inherent to being a man. Stop saying it's locker room talk. Quit gaslighting victims. Why do we place so much of the responsibility and the guilt onto those who were exploited and hurt, all the while doing everything we can to protect the one responsible for the damage?

I could split this post off into several different tangents, including how when the victim is man, we treat them even worse, but I won't, because it all comes down to the same thing. We need to stop acting like the victim is responsible for bringing down these powerful men, and women, and start blaming the perpetrators themselves for ending their own careers. 

We need to do better.

We have to do better.

February 2021 Viewing, At Least So Far

 

For those of you who may be new to Wordsmithonia, I'm a huge movie nerd. I have almost 400 movies in my personal collection, and I'm always buying more, especially over the last year. I have probably spent more on Amazon in the last twelve months, than I have over the previous ten years. If you couldn't tell by the picture, I'm an even bigger horror movie nerd. I love them. From the cheesy to the terrifying, I'm just about down for anything horror, at least once. Except for torture porn, that stuff just sucks. I didn't watch all that much in February, especially compared to the month before. 

This is what I watched:

Tenet (2020) - It was okay. I keep watching these kind of movies, hoping I'm going to come out the other side in love with what I had just watched. It's never happened before, and it didn't this time. I'm going to have to admit that I just don't dig high concept sci-fi thrillers. They give me headaches. I didn't hate it, and I enjoyed the action scenes, but it's nothing I'll watch again.  

Watched On: Vudu

Blood Fest (2018) - I absolutely love horror comedy, and I was so damned relieved when my second pick of the month, was one that I absolutely adored. It's not perfect. It had a few missteps, but they are the kind of flaws that are easy for me to overlook. The cast is, minus one, perfect. The plot is an on point send up of both horror movies and horror themed attractions. This will go on my yearly watch of Hellfest LLC, The Houses October Buillt, Haunt, and Hell Fest.

Watched On: Amazon Prime Video

Fright Fest (2018) - Despite some decent casting, this was a waste of my time. It was an orgy of over the top horror cliches and one dimensional characters. I can sometimes over look those sorts of things, but if the movie doesn't scare me or make me laugh, it's not worth the pain of sitting through the whole thing.

Watched On: Amazon Prime Video

21 Bridges (2019) - A heroic performance by Chadwick Boseman. Great performances by the rest of the cast. I wish I could say that the movie was worthy of it's talent, but I can't. The storyline was generic and predictable, albeit entertaining. In order for me to fall for a movie like this, I need some sort of redemptive arc, and nobody was given that opportunity. I was entertained while watching it, but it's nothing I will ever watch again.

Watched On: Vudu

Digging Up the Marrow (2014) - The best thing about this movie is the poster. 

Watched On: Amazon Prime Video 

The Haunting of Grady Farm (2019) - It was okay. I love found footage horror, but that love means I watch a lot of mediacore to bad movies. This was about average.

Watched On: Amazon Prime Video 

Hollows Grove (2014) - Another found footage horror, and one I genuinely enjoyed. The performances were above average for this genre, though three of the male characters oozed just a tad bit too much toxic masculinity. I actually ended up caring about what happened to the other male character, which rarely happens in these kind of movies, since the endings are always the same. My one sticking point is the way it's framed as an investigation by the FBI. Stupidest framing ever.

Watched On: Amazon Prime Video 

Ghoul (2015) - Yet another found footage horror movie, this time taking place in Ukraine. The movie is filmed in a mixture of English and Czech, so luckily there were subtitles. This followed a group of Americans as they were attempting to make a documentary about modern day cannibals. I liked it, but not enough to watch again.

Watched On: Amazon Prime Video 

The Empty Man (2020) - Just below my love of found footage horror, sits my love of cult horror. James Badge Dale is frickin brilliant here, I just wish the rest of the cast had lived up to his performance. They weren't bad, but compared to him, they were noticeably weaker. It made for a disjointed viewing experience. The movie is probably too long as well, though it does pack in a few unsettling moments. I feel like I'm saying this a lot, but while I enjoyed it, it's nothing I'll ever need to watch again.

Watched On: Amazon Prime Video (Rented)

Love and Monsters (2020) - A shit ton of fun, with some really cool looking monsters. I loved that it doesn't have the typical happy rom/com ending, and I thoroughly enjoyed the mix of comedy and scary thrills. Dylan O'Brien is an absolute treasure.

Watched On: Bluray From My Collection

Camp Cold Brook (2018) - Decent performances with an interesting storyline, but some of the writing felt unfinished and rushed. I actually think, given the plot, that it would have been better as a found footage film.

Watched On: Amazon Prime Video 

Against the Night (2017) - It was surprisingly better than it should have been. The acting was superior to what I expect from these kind of low budget horror movies. It definitely has a few flaws, and the red herrings were a little annoying, but I actually enjoyed this one. 

Watched On: Amazon Prime Video 

Let's Talk About Sex, Or At Least About Sexuality - Mainly Mine

 

Let's have a frank talk about sexuality.  I'm going to get personal,  and you will probably learn things about me that you really didn't want to know,  so if this isn't a conversation you want to be involved in, just skip this post.  I actually first posted this on my Facebook page, so if you already read it there, I apologize for subjecting it to you twice. Actually I don't, but I thought I should say that.

I identify as a gay man.

Prepubescent Ryan, had more crushes on boys, than on girls. I do think those kind of crushes have more to do with personality, than gender at that stage in our lives. I would try to catch glimpses of men's dicks in public bathrooms. I did steal a pack of topless women playing cards once, though the glimpses of Playgirl magazines were more interesting to me.  

Once I hit puberty, men are all that I paid attention to. I wanted to lick, suck, fuck, touch, and play with every inch of a man's body. I had a lot of sex, with a lot of men. The number of men should be embarrassing, hence the reason I won't put it out there, but I'm not ashamed of it. It is what it was. Do I wish I had met THE ONE? Absolutely. But even if I had, which that is for me to know and you to never find out, it wouldn't have mattered. I was too damn immature, and frankly enjoying the attention too much, to not fuck it up.  That is another post though, I'm not ready to get into my body image and self-esteem issues right now. 

The sweaty sex that can last all night, is not the only reason I identify as a gay man. I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually attracted to cismen, at least so far. At 44 years old, I've never been sexually attracted to a woman, nor had sex with one.  I've made out a few times, kissing and breast fondling, but that's it. The breast play never went underneath clothes, or involved nipples. Truthfully, the fact it even happened had more to do with alcohol and those specific situations, which also included other men, than any true attraction. It also never happened once my early clubbing days were over with.  To be even more truthful, I felt nothing. I may as well been brushing my teeth. 

As I've aged, while I still identify as a gay man, I've also come to identify as demisexual. And eventhough it may be hard to believe, given my dashing looks and ripped body (said with pure sarcasm), I've actually been celibate for almost 18 years now, by choice. I've gotten to the point where I have to be mentally and/or emotionally attracted to a guy first, before I truly find them physically attractive enough to want to get sweaty with them. Since I don't go out, or even make the attempt to meet guys in a situation where that can happen, I've been celibate. I can still look at a hot guy, and admire the scenery, but I have no desire to do any licking or sucking. Hence, why I also identify myself as demi. I still get off on porn, though it has more to do with the physical and endorphin release, than it does with actuall attraction.

The fact that I identify as a demi gay man, brings me to the point of this post. I tend to have random thoughts, like we all do, and while part of what I'm about to say is something I've always accepted about myself, the thought I had last night was completely new. It's also the aspect that I brought up in a conversation with Viki, that inspired this post. I accepted, years ago, the fact that just because I identify as a gay man, as a demi gay man, that doesn't mean it will always be that way. I'm comfortable with myself enough that if I ever do find myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically attracted to a woman, a transwoman, or a transman, I'm not going to hurt myself by not accepting that attraction. I'm not going to let how I currently identify, keep me from being happy. I don't think it's probable, but I know that it's possible. To reject that, makes absolutely no sense. 

My point is this, sexuality is not stagnant, at least not in the way I view it. It's already evolved for me, and I know it may evolve again. And while I think labels are important, for a myriad of reasons, I also think we can end up using them as barriers when we find ourselves reacting in ways that run counterintuitive to those labels. I personally choose to use labels, for both personal and political reasons, and I probably always will. I'm starting to wonder if I should, could, or even can start using a different label. I'm not sure I can call myself pan, just because I acknowledge the idea that I could find myself attracted to someone who is not a cisman, while never actually experiencing attraction to anyone else. Nor do I necessarily feel a need to right now, but it's something I've at least thought about. Even if it was just once.

Almost Three Years Later

This crazy thing called Wordsmithonia has been on my mind, a lot. I miss the community I found on here. I miss blog hopping, and getting lost for hours in y'alls posts. I know I've  said this before, but it may just be time to start getting back into this whole blogging gig. I don't think it will be a pure book blog anymore, though I'll still throw up an occasional book or movie review. I may even trot out my Favorite Fictional Character feature, though not every week. 

I think mainly I want to use this as more of a personal journal/outlet. I've never been shy about expressing my opinion on here in the past, or sharing pieces of my life, but it was never the point of this blog. I think if I'm to get back into blogging, I need to make it feel less like a 2nd job, and more like a way to express myself. I'm also not going to set strict timelines on when I post, or even what the content will be. It will be a more freewheeling expression of who I am as a whole person, not just as a reader. 

So with that, I hope to see you around. 

 

Blog Update

If I have any readers left, I wanted to fill you guys in on where my head has been lately. Part of the reason the blog has been so neglected over the last few years, was my job. I hated it. It was sucking the soul out of me, and with the fact I was working 60+ hours a week, for almost three years, I had little joy left. I recently quit that job, my last day was May 1st, and I'm really enjoying the new one. The only drawback has been that for the last 6 weeks, hopefully this coming week will be the last, I've been traveling 3 1/2 hours away for training, leaving on Sundays and coming home on Thursdays. With that being said, I've noticed my mind being drawn in by the blog, and by the idea of dipping my toes back into the blogging world. I'm not sure when I'll be back, or even what my engagement level will be like in the begining, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm missing it.

The Silence of Ghosts by Jonathan Aycliffe

Synopsis From Back Cover: 

Dominic Lancaster hoped to prove himself to his family by excelling in the Navy during World War II. Instead he is wounded while serving as a gunner and loses his leg. Still recovering from his wounds and the trauma of his amputation when the Blitz begins, Dominic finds himself shuffled off to the countrysideend by his family, along with his partially deaf sister, Octavia. The crumbling family estate on the shores of Ullswater is an old, much-neglected place that doesn't seem to promise much in the way of happiness or recovery.

Something more than a friendship begins to flourish between Dominic and his nurse, Rose, in the late autumn of that English countryside, as he struggles to come to terms with his new life as an amputee. Another thing that seems to be flourishing is Octavia's hearing. 

As winter descends, sinister forces seem to be materializing around Octavia, who is hearing voices of children. After seeing things that no one else can see and hearing things that no one else can hear, Octavia is afflicted with a sickness that cannot be explained. With Rose's help, Dominic sets out to find the truth behind the voices that have haunted his sister. In doing so, he uncovers an even older, darker evil that threatens not only Octavia but also Rose and himself. 

There is something about this time of year that has me craving a good ghost story. Halloween merchandise is lining the store shelves, the serious decorators have already started on their homes, scary movies become habitual viewing, and my reading tastes get darker. Don't get me wrong, I love a good scare anytime of the year, but this is when I want to wallow in them.

Haunted house stories are my weakness, and I can rarely pass one up. Of my favorite books of all time, at least four of them feature a house I would do anything to visit in real life. I'm not sure how I stumbled across this one, but I'm damn glad I did.

Atmosphere is the key to a well crafted ghost story, and boy did this have a suffocating aura permeating the pages. It enfolds the reader, wrapping them in dread. It crawls in through the readers eyes, burrowing its way into brain tissue. As a reader, I found myself unable to put the book down, because I did not want Dominic, Rose, and Octavia to fade away, lost amongst the depair.

Despite a postscripted ending that I could have done without, and not fully sure I truly understood, if this is typical of Mr. Aycliffe's work, I can't wait to wallow around with him some more. Now, I just need the weather man to get with the program.

What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton

Part Of The Synopsis From Dust Jacket: 

For the first time, Hillary Rodham Clinton reveals what she was thinking and feeling during one of the most controversial and unpredictable presidential elections in history. Now free from the constraints of running, Hillary takes you inside the intense personal experience of becoming the first woman nominated for president by a major party in an election marked by rage, sexism, exhilarating highs and infuriating lows, stranger-than-fiction twists, Russian interference, and an opponent who broke all the rules.  

Fair warning, a little of my political side comes out in this "review".

Frankly, I don't know how to objectively review this book. Even if I could somehow manage to be objective, how do you "review" a first person narrative of an election that is still tearing our country apart? I voted for Sec. Clinton in both the Democratic primary, and in the general election. What's more, I would do it again with a joyous heart.  But right now, my heart is broken by the wasted opportunity this country had to be lead by someone of her caliber. Instead, we have a man in the White House who is currently blaming hurricane survivors in Puerto Rico for their own suffering, while he's playing golf. He's poking at the leader of North Korea, his Justice Department is now saying it's okay for employers to fire you for being gay, and Dreamers are just months away from being deported. I told you I couldn't be objective about this.

In What Happened, Sec. Clinton is pretty frank in how she sees the mistakes she made, the fake email controversy and Director Comey's role, divisions on the left, and Russian interference combined into a perfect storm she just couldn't figure out how to navigate. This could be my own biases showing, but I think she's right. Throughout the book, Sec. Clinton lays out her case and does it without whining.  She accepts blame when she should, but doesn't hold back in holding others accountable when it's appropriate to do so.

Sen. Sanders used right wing propaganda to weaken her with his supporters. He painted a corrupt narrative of her that some voters, primarily younger who didn't really know her, bought into. They didn't understand the primary process, couldn't believe she was beating him in the primary, so they bought into this whole notion of the primary being stolen. The fact that it was the same primary system that allowed then Sen. Obama to beat her, was immaterial to their anger. They labeled her corrupt, badgered her supporters online, and a few in WI, PA, and MI threw hissy fits and either didn't vote, or voted for Dr. Stein, who has her own ties to Russia.

The letter Comey wrote to Congress days before the election truly was the final nail in the coffin. She is right when she says the momentum was on her side, but that the letter stopped it cold. It was an unprecedented act of interference in our election system by the FBI. His whole manner was suspect, from his initial statement to that final letter, he behaved in a most unseemly  manner.

The scope of Russian interference is staggering. Giving the Trump campaign opposition research, hacking the email systems of the DNC and John Podesta including the planting of fake emails, creating fake news stories, orchestrating anti immigrant rallies on US soil, taking out political ads on social media, employing thousand of social media trolls, stirring up racial tensions online, and only they know what else they did. The investigation is for from over, but what's already known should chill the blood of every American.

If you couldn't tell by my tone, I'm still a little bitter about the election. I wish I could find the grace and humor that Sec. Clinton shows in this book. Her pain and disappointment are on full display, but so is her warmth and compassion for those she feels she let down. This is a deeply personal memoir, and if it hurt for me to read it, I can't imagine how it felt for her to write it.

It's obviously a book by someone who is never going to run for office again, it's far too candid for that. And that's what hurt the most. Granted I've admired her for years, but seeing this openness from her cements the idea that regardless of how or why it happened, the missed opportunities that were only possible with her in office are a national disgrace.