Let's have a frank talk about sexuality. I'm going to get personal, and you will probably learn things about me that you really didn't want to know, so if this isn't a conversation you want to be involved in, just skip this post. I actually first posted this on my Facebook page, so if you already read it there, I apologize for subjecting it to you twice. Actually I don't, but I thought I should say that.
I identify as a gay man.
Prepubescent Ryan, had more crushes on boys, than on girls. I do think those kind of crushes have more to do with personality, than gender at that stage in our lives. I would try to catch glimpses of men's dicks in public bathrooms. I did steal a pack of topless women playing cards once, though the glimpses of Playgirl magazines were more interesting to me.
Once I hit puberty, men are all that I paid attention to. I wanted to lick, suck, fuck, touch, and play with every inch of a man's body. I had a lot of sex, with a lot of men. The number of men should be embarrassing, hence the reason I won't put it out there, but I'm not ashamed of it. It is what it was. Do I wish I had met THE ONE? Absolutely. But even if I had, which that is for me to know and you to never find out, it wouldn't have mattered. I was too damn immature, and frankly enjoying the attention too much, to not fuck it up. That is another post though, I'm not ready to get into my body image and self-esteem issues right now.
The sweaty sex that can last all night, is not the only reason I identify as a gay man. I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually attracted to cismen, at least so far. At 44 years old, I've never been sexually attracted to a woman, nor had sex with one. I've made out a few times, kissing and breast fondling, but that's it. The breast play never went underneath clothes, or involved nipples. Truthfully, the fact it even happened had more to do with alcohol and those specific situations, which also included other men, than any true attraction. It also never happened once my early clubbing days were over with. To be even more truthful, I felt nothing. I may as well been brushing my teeth.
As I've aged, while I still identify as a gay man, I've also come to identify as demisexual. And eventhough it may be hard to believe, given my dashing looks and ripped body (said with pure sarcasm), I've actually been celibate for almost 18 years now, by choice. I've gotten to the point where I have to be mentally and/or emotionally attracted to a guy first, before I truly find them physically attractive enough to want to get sweaty with them. Since I don't go out, or even make the attempt to meet guys in a situation where that can happen, I've been celibate. I can still look at a hot guy, and admire the scenery, but I have no desire to do any licking or sucking. Hence, why I also identify myself as demi. I still get off on porn, though it has more to do with the physical and endorphin release, than it does with actuall attraction.
The fact that I identify as a demi gay man, brings me to the point of this post. I tend to have random thoughts, like we all do, and while part of what I'm about to say is something I've always accepted about myself, the thought I had last night was completely new. It's also the aspect that I brought up in a conversation with Viki, that inspired this post. I accepted, years ago, the fact that just because I identify as a gay man, as a demi gay man, that doesn't mean it will always be that way. I'm comfortable with myself enough that if I ever do find myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically attracted to a woman, a transwoman, or a transman, I'm not going to hurt myself by not accepting that attraction. I'm not going to let how I currently identify, keep me from being happy. I don't think it's probable, but I know that it's possible. To reject that, makes absolutely no sense.
My point is this, sexuality is not stagnant, at least not in the way I view it. It's already evolved for me, and I know it may evolve again. And while I think labels are important, for a myriad of reasons, I also think we can end up using them as barriers when we find ourselves reacting in ways that run counterintuitive to those labels. I personally choose to use labels, for both personal and political reasons, and I probably always will. I'm starting to wonder if I should, could, or even can start using a different label. I'm not sure I can call myself pan, just because I acknowledge the idea that I could find myself attracted to someone who is not a cisman, while never actually experiencing attraction to anyone else. Nor do I necessarily feel a need to right now, but it's something I've at least thought about. Even if it was just once.