Let's Talk About Sex, Or At Least About Sexuality - Mainly Mine

 

Let's have a frank talk about sexuality.  I'm going to get personal,  and you will probably learn things about me that you really didn't want to know,  so if this isn't a conversation you want to be involved in, just skip this post.  I actually first posted this on my Facebook page, so if you already read it there, I apologize for subjecting it to you twice. Actually I don't, but I thought I should say that.

I identify as a gay man.

Prepubescent Ryan, had more crushes on boys, than on girls. I do think those kind of crushes have more to do with personality, than gender at that stage in our lives. I would try to catch glimpses of men's dicks in public bathrooms. I did steal a pack of topless women playing cards once, though the glimpses of Playgirl magazines were more interesting to me.  

Once I hit puberty, men are all that I paid attention to. I wanted to lick, suck, fuck, touch, and play with every inch of a man's body. I had a lot of sex, with a lot of men. The number of men should be embarrassing, hence the reason I won't put it out there, but I'm not ashamed of it. It is what it was. Do I wish I had met THE ONE? Absolutely. But even if I had, which that is for me to know and you to never find out, it wouldn't have mattered. I was too damn immature, and frankly enjoying the attention too much, to not fuck it up.  That is another post though, I'm not ready to get into my body image and self-esteem issues right now. 

The sweaty sex that can last all night, is not the only reason I identify as a gay man. I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually attracted to cismen, at least so far. At 44 years old, I've never been sexually attracted to a woman, nor had sex with one.  I've made out a few times, kissing and breast fondling, but that's it. The breast play never went underneath clothes, or involved nipples. Truthfully, the fact it even happened had more to do with alcohol and those specific situations, which also included other men, than any true attraction. It also never happened once my early clubbing days were over with.  To be even more truthful, I felt nothing. I may as well been brushing my teeth. 

As I've aged, while I still identify as a gay man, I've also come to identify as demisexual. And eventhough it may be hard to believe, given my dashing looks and ripped body (said with pure sarcasm), I've actually been celibate for almost 18 years now, by choice. I've gotten to the point where I have to be mentally and/or emotionally attracted to a guy first, before I truly find them physically attractive enough to want to get sweaty with them. Since I don't go out, or even make the attempt to meet guys in a situation where that can happen, I've been celibate. I can still look at a hot guy, and admire the scenery, but I have no desire to do any licking or sucking. Hence, why I also identify myself as demi. I still get off on porn, though it has more to do with the physical and endorphin release, than it does with actuall attraction.

The fact that I identify as a demi gay man, brings me to the point of this post. I tend to have random thoughts, like we all do, and while part of what I'm about to say is something I've always accepted about myself, the thought I had last night was completely new. It's also the aspect that I brought up in a conversation with Viki, that inspired this post. I accepted, years ago, the fact that just because I identify as a gay man, as a demi gay man, that doesn't mean it will always be that way. I'm comfortable with myself enough that if I ever do find myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically attracted to a woman, a transwoman, or a transman, I'm not going to hurt myself by not accepting that attraction. I'm not going to let how I currently identify, keep me from being happy. I don't think it's probable, but I know that it's possible. To reject that, makes absolutely no sense. 

My point is this, sexuality is not stagnant, at least not in the way I view it. It's already evolved for me, and I know it may evolve again. And while I think labels are important, for a myriad of reasons, I also think we can end up using them as barriers when we find ourselves reacting in ways that run counterintuitive to those labels. I personally choose to use labels, for both personal and political reasons, and I probably always will. I'm starting to wonder if I should, could, or even can start using a different label. I'm not sure I can call myself pan, just because I acknowledge the idea that I could find myself attracted to someone who is not a cisman, while never actually experiencing attraction to anyone else. Nor do I necessarily feel a need to right now, but it's something I've at least thought about. Even if it was just once.

Almost Three Years Later

This crazy thing called Wordsmithonia has been on my mind, a lot. I miss the community I found on here. I miss blog hopping, and getting lost for hours in y'alls posts. I know I've  said this before, but it may just be time to start getting back into this whole blogging gig. I don't think it will be a pure book blog anymore, though I'll still throw up an occasional book or movie review. I may even trot out my Favorite Fictional Character feature, though not every week. 

I think mainly I want to use this as more of a personal journal/outlet. I've never been shy about expressing my opinion on here in the past, or sharing pieces of my life, but it was never the point of this blog. I think if I'm to get back into blogging, I need to make it feel less like a 2nd job, and more like a way to express myself. I'm also not going to set strict timelines on when I post, or even what the content will be. It will be a more freewheeling expression of who I am as a whole person, not just as a reader. 

So with that, I hope to see you around. 

 

Blog Update

If I have any readers left, I wanted to fill you guys in on where my head has been lately. Part of the reason the blog has been so neglected over the last few years, was my job. I hated it. It was sucking the soul out of me, and with the fact I was working 60+ hours a week, for almost three years, I had little joy left. I recently quit that job, my last day was May 1st, and I'm really enjoying the new one. The only drawback has been that for the last 6 weeks, hopefully this coming week will be the last, I've been traveling 3 1/2 hours away for training, leaving on Sundays and coming home on Thursdays. With that being said, I've noticed my mind being drawn in by the blog, and by the idea of dipping my toes back into the blogging world. I'm not sure when I'll be back, or even what my engagement level will be like in the begining, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm missing it.

The Silence of Ghosts by Jonathan Aycliffe

Synopsis From Back Cover: 

Dominic Lancaster hoped to prove himself to his family by excelling in the Navy during World War II. Instead he is wounded while serving as a gunner and loses his leg. Still recovering from his wounds and the trauma of his amputation when the Blitz begins, Dominic finds himself shuffled off to the countrysideend by his family, along with his partially deaf sister, Octavia. The crumbling family estate on the shores of Ullswater is an old, much-neglected place that doesn't seem to promise much in the way of happiness or recovery.

Something more than a friendship begins to flourish between Dominic and his nurse, Rose, in the late autumn of that English countryside, as he struggles to come to terms with his new life as an amputee. Another thing that seems to be flourishing is Octavia's hearing. 

As winter descends, sinister forces seem to be materializing around Octavia, who is hearing voices of children. After seeing things that no one else can see and hearing things that no one else can hear, Octavia is afflicted with a sickness that cannot be explained. With Rose's help, Dominic sets out to find the truth behind the voices that have haunted his sister. In doing so, he uncovers an even older, darker evil that threatens not only Octavia but also Rose and himself. 

There is something about this time of year that has me craving a good ghost story. Halloween merchandise is lining the store shelves, the serious decorators have already started on their homes, scary movies become habitual viewing, and my reading tastes get darker. Don't get me wrong, I love a good scare anytime of the year, but this is when I want to wallow in them.

Haunted house stories are my weakness, and I can rarely pass one up. Of my favorite books of all time, at least four of them feature a house I would do anything to visit in real life. I'm not sure how I stumbled across this one, but I'm damn glad I did.

Atmosphere is the key to a well crafted ghost story, and boy did this have a suffocating aura permeating the pages. It enfolds the reader, wrapping them in dread. It crawls in through the readers eyes, burrowing its way into brain tissue. As a reader, I found myself unable to put the book down, because I did not want Dominic, Rose, and Octavia to fade away, lost amongst the depair.

Despite a postscripted ending that I could have done without, and not fully sure I truly understood, if this is typical of Mr. Aycliffe's work, I can't wait to wallow around with him some more. Now, I just need the weather man to get with the program.

What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton

Part Of The Synopsis From Dust Jacket: 

For the first time, Hillary Rodham Clinton reveals what she was thinking and feeling during one of the most controversial and unpredictable presidential elections in history. Now free from the constraints of running, Hillary takes you inside the intense personal experience of becoming the first woman nominated for president by a major party in an election marked by rage, sexism, exhilarating highs and infuriating lows, stranger-than-fiction twists, Russian interference, and an opponent who broke all the rules.  

Fair warning, a little of my political side comes out in this "review".

Frankly, I don't know how to objectively review this book. Even if I could somehow manage to be objective, how do you "review" a first person narrative of an election that is still tearing our country apart? I voted for Sec. Clinton in both the Democratic primary, and in the general election. What's more, I would do it again with a joyous heart.  But right now, my heart is broken by the wasted opportunity this country had to be lead by someone of her caliber. Instead, we have a man in the White House who is currently blaming hurricane survivors in Puerto Rico for their own suffering, while he's playing golf. He's poking at the leader of North Korea, his Justice Department is now saying it's okay for employers to fire you for being gay, and Dreamers are just months away from being deported. I told you I couldn't be objective about this.

In What Happened, Sec. Clinton is pretty frank in how she sees the mistakes she made, the fake email controversy and Director Comey's role, divisions on the left, and Russian interference combined into a perfect storm she just couldn't figure out how to navigate. This could be my own biases showing, but I think she's right. Throughout the book, Sec. Clinton lays out her case and does it without whining.  She accepts blame when she should, but doesn't hold back in holding others accountable when it's appropriate to do so.

Sen. Sanders used right wing propaganda to weaken her with his supporters. He painted a corrupt narrative of her that some voters, primarily younger who didn't really know her, bought into. They didn't understand the primary process, couldn't believe she was beating him in the primary, so they bought into this whole notion of the primary being stolen. The fact that it was the same primary system that allowed then Sen. Obama to beat her, was immaterial to their anger. They labeled her corrupt, badgered her supporters online, and a few in WI, PA, and MI threw hissy fits and either didn't vote, or voted for Dr. Stein, who has her own ties to Russia.

The letter Comey wrote to Congress days before the election truly was the final nail in the coffin. She is right when she says the momentum was on her side, but that the letter stopped it cold. It was an unprecedented act of interference in our election system by the FBI. His whole manner was suspect, from his initial statement to that final letter, he behaved in a most unseemly  manner.

The scope of Russian interference is staggering. Giving the Trump campaign opposition research, hacking the email systems of the DNC and John Podesta including the planting of fake emails, creating fake news stories, orchestrating anti immigrant rallies on US soil, taking out political ads on social media, employing thousand of social media trolls, stirring up racial tensions online, and only they know what else they did. The investigation is for from over, but what's already known should chill the blood of every American.

If you couldn't tell by my tone, I'm still a little bitter about the election. I wish I could find the grace and humor that Sec. Clinton shows in this book. Her pain and disappointment are on full display, but so is her warmth and compassion for those she feels she let down. This is a deeply personal memoir, and if it hurt for me to read it, I can't imagine how it felt for her to write it.

It's obviously a book by someone who is never going to run for office again, it's far too candid for that. And that's what hurt the most. Granted I've admired her for years, but seeing this openness from her cements the idea that regardless of how or why it happened, the missed opportunities that were only possible with her in office are a national disgrace.

FrightFall Readathon

If you know me personally, or have been following the blog for a while, you know I love Halloween. I love losing myself in a spine tingling tale. I dim the lights as low as I can deal with, turn on the electric fireplace, and with a mug of tea at hand, I burrow down and get lost in tales of ghosts, monsters, and murder.

My good friend Michelle of The True Book Addict has been sponsoring readathons for a while on a separate page, Seasons of Reading. She has been doing this one for a few years now, but this is the first time the entire month of October is in play. Once I knew that, I knew I had to jump on board this year. To learn all the details please visit the sign up page.

I've already picked out a few books I'm wanting to get through in those 31 days. The will probably change, but here is what I'm planning on as of right now.

I'll Be Back Next Week

August into September, is my busiest time at work, hence why I haven't been posting lately. I just wanted to let you know I'll be back next week, and will also have the results of my Blogoversary giveaway then.