Monday, May 26, 2014

The Real Reason My Blog Was Ignored Last Year, And The Loss I'm Dealing With


I'm not even sure how to start explaining to you guys what's been going on over the last 10 months.  It's something I've tried my best to deal with on my own, it's not something I've discussed on Facebook, nor will I be discussing it there. Mainly because there are people in my life who agree with what is happening, and I don't feel like getting into a fight about it on FB.  So please, after reading this post, if we are friends on FB, don't address it there.  But now that the deadline for action is here, I feel like I need to let you guys know what's going on.

Early last summer I was served with papers suing for custody of Aidan.  For those of you who don't know what that is, I'll explain it a bit.  Ten years ago, when Aidan was two, he was dumped on my mother by my younger brother, who couldn't deal with him.  Before that, Aidan's mother had dumped him on my brother, as she was getting fed up with being a young, single mother.  In the beginning I took him for long weekends, to give my mom a break.  Shortly after, she started going through a divorce, and I agreed to take him full time.  I wish I had truly understood what I was getting myself in for, but even if I had, I would have made the same decision.  Taking him into my life was the best thing I have ever done with my life.  I have loved him, raised him, and cherished every moment of the last ten years.

Early last year, I started to hear rumors of the mother wanting him back.  It wasn't the first time I had heard it, and nothing ever came of it in the past.  I brushed it off, and chose to worry about it, if an when it ever became an issue.  In the summer, it became as issue.  In the last ten years, she has remarried and has two other children with her husband.  They decided, without ever contacting me, to sue for full custody of him.  Because neither her or my brother were willing to give up parental rights, I was never able to adopt Aidan.  I have only had "temporary" custody of him this entire time.  My lawyer put up a valiant fight, and I owe her more than I can ever repay, but early this year, I finally lost.  It was decide that living with his married, biological mother was a better for him, than living with his single, gay uncle.

I could drag it out in the courts even more, but I know the end result will stay the same, and Aidan will only be hurt even more.  It was agreed that he would finish the school year out here, and that within a week, I would have him on a plane to North Dakota, and his new family. He was required to spend Spring Break with them, so at least it will not be a complete shock to the system for him.  For now I'm going to be allowed one phone call a month, and any visitation will be negotiated after the first year.

I'm not going to go into all the pain that both of us, and those in our lives, have been dealing with over the last few months, but I'm sure it's worse than you can ever imagine.  There has been a lot of anger on his part, and lately excitement for something new.  I think he finally understand that this has nothing to do with me not wanting him anymore, that if I had my way, he would be under my roof for as long as he wanted to be there, even if he was 60 before he wanted to move out.

Tomorrow is the day I've been dreading, I have to have him at the airport by 9:30 in the morning.  Within an hour after that, I will not be able to see him for at least a year, and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with that.  I have to figure out what my life means now that I'm not a single father, and I have no idea on where to start.  I have to live my life without him in it for now, and it scares the hell out of me.  I always had it in the back of my mind that this day could come, I just never thought it really would.

28 comments:

bermudaonion said...

This makes me so angry. I cannot imagine what the courts were thinking. Did they even consider what they're doing to Aidan?

Angela's Anxious Life said...

Oh wow. Life is so hard. Sometimes I hate being and adult. I do believe that you tried everything you could. I am thinking about you during this time.

Nise' said...

I am so sorry for this pain you are experiencing. It just isn't right when something like this happens. I so wish it could have been resolved in a different way for you both.

samantha.1020 said...

There aren't any words other than I am so sorry for you both. Hugs!

Cindy Smith said...

Can I just say how freaking crazy this is? I am sorry that you have to go through this it sucks. I just don't understand how a mother can just drop the child off with the father's family and really not care about him and now all of a sudden wants him (10 yers later) and then basically cut you from his life...

I can't even imagine what the courts were thinking..on the upside you were one of the most positive influences in his first part of life.. I hope that the mother will come to her senses and allow you more time with him considering you took care of him and not some strangers

JaneGS said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Aidan will always know that you were there for him when he needed you, and will be there for him when he finally is allowed to see you.

My thoughts are with you--be strong and know that you will always have a place in his heart and life.

You did a very good thing and sadly now have to do a very hard thing. Good luck.

violetcrush said...

I feel so sad for you and Aidan, it's not right to uproot him like that nor is it to treat him like a toy, take him in whenever they feel they are ready. I'm so sorry and I hope you find the courage to deal with it.

Prashant C. Trikannad said...

Ryan, I think your nephew is old enough to realise your worth in his life and how much you mean to him and one day he is going to be able to decide for himself and come back to you. I'm sorry for what you're going through and thank you for sharing this.

Blodeuedd said...

How horrible! She dumped him there, you raised him, now she wants him back and gets him. I am so sorry

Kaye said...

Ryan, my heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine what this is doing to you. This doesn't seem like a decision that even cares one whit about the child's feelings. It just makes no sense to take him out of a loving home with someone who wants and has always wanted him to give him back to someone who couldn't be bothered with him before. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

gae polisner said...

I just came across this post through a review of my book. What an amazing thing you have done for this child. Hopefully, his biological mother will take good care of him and he will always know that you are there. I cannot imagine how crushing this has been for you. I don't know you, but I hugely admire you. Wishing you love, peace, and healing and comfort from the knowledge you have done something extraordinary for your nephew.

gae

picky said...

I am so incredibly sorry to hear this news. I had no idea of your situation, but this outcome is devastating. I wish you peace when the time comes and energy and friends and love and help to get through the next year and find your place without Aidan.

Michelle Miller said...

I was just thinking about asking you what was going on when I was commenting on your blog over the long weekend. I noticed that you hadn't mentioned Aidan in awhile.

I am crying right now. I'm so sorry, my friend. I know how much he means to you. It breaks my heart that the courts think he is better off living with strangers (which is the truth, even if she is his biological mother). I can't even imagine not having my sons living with me, or if they did go to live somewhere else, not being able to see them for a year. How horrible!

Like Bermuda Onion said, this makes me very angry. I know his "mother" has turned her life around, but how utterly selfish after all these years to rip Aidan from the only family and parent he has ever really known. I just don't get it. Our courts really have no idea what a true family is.

Again, I'm so very sorry, Ryan. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. And I won't mention this on Facebook.

Melissa (Books and Things) said...

You can't see him for a year? Can't you get visitation? I'm so sorry you are going through this. ((HUGS)) to both of you.. and I have no doubt he knows you will always be there for him no matter what. :(

Alexia561 said...

I am so sorry to hear this, Ryan. I'm not sure what the courts were thinking, as it seems unbelievably cruel for you not to have contact for an entire year and be limited to only one phone call a month. I can't imagine what you're going through, but am sure that Aidan knows how much you love and care for him. Stay strong!

Debbie Haupt said...

Ryan, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine the pain and no words will make it any easier for you to deal with it. So just know that I am here for you to chat with on the blog, to email me if you want a private word or in any capacity than I can possibly offer. It saddens me that these family courts are still in the dark ages, that they haven't realized yet that just because your birthed a a baby that you're entitled to that child no matter what.
I love you and you will be in my thoughts and my prayers.
deb

Man of la Book said...

Sorry to hear about such a tragic even Ryan.

Melissa (My World...in words and pages) said...

Oh god Ryan. I'm so sorry to hear this! I had noticed you didn't mention Aidan and I didn't want to bring up any troubled thoughts by asking. He will remember you completely and always. After that adjusting year, I bet he will be in touch with you to share all he can. You are still a part of his life, but this is terribly hard. I'm glad he's come to realize things as that is something that's beyond comprehending.

Thoughts are with you. **HUGS**

Yvette said...

Oh, Ryan, how dreadful for you. And for Aidan. Re: his mother, I can only hope that Aidan will come to understand that grown-ups are not always logical, do not always make sense or make the best decisions. I hope he has a heart big enough to forgive the upheavals that have taken place in his young life.

You did the best you could for him.

Hopefully he will adjust and be happy.

I hope the same for you, Ryan.

Lisa said...

I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are going through. I don't understand why you can't see each other for an entire year - presumably because someone thinks it will be easier to accept the change without seeing each other? It just seems to make a very difficult, very sad situation even more painful. Thoughts are with you and Aidan.

Bookfool said...

Oh, Ryan, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to help. Only one phone call a month seems practically like punishment and certainly not right for either you or Aidan. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

JaimeLovesStuff said...

Oh crud, Ryan. This is so tough for you. This is a sad situation for each and every one of you involved. I do hope that you will be allowed more contact with him sooner rather than later :( You were the one there for him this entire time.

Lots of hugs to you.

Kathleen Sara Shattuck said...

Ryan, my dear loving son, and you are like a son to me, I know the pain you must be feeling is beyond words. Aiden knows your love for him, he's old enough to figure it out. It does sound unreasonable, the long interval between calls and seeing him, and I also know that sometimes people think it's best to limit these breaks so the child can get used to the parting and the new environment, but he will be getting to an age soon where he could possibly ask for an emancipation, if he wants to come back. You might ask your lawyer about that.

The courts always side with the mother, or parent, and the opportunity to be raised with his siblings, but I know it doesn't change the way you feel.

Hold strong, time will pass quickly and think only about the positive times you will have again in the future. Love is a bond you will always have, and nothing and no one can ever take that away from you know or in the future.

My love for you will hold you in my arms each night. Stay well for Aidan and yourself...he will need that from you. xo K.

carol said...

I am so sorry Ryan. It just doesn't seem fair- life sometimes sucks. I'm sure Aiden realizes how much you love him.

Susan said...

I know he will Want to See You And visit you more often then the Courts Allow...You raised him He loves you... Can you Write Him Send him Anything Is that Allowed.Just to Make sure he receives it...There must be a way..Anything I can Do Never Hesitate to ask me We are not quitters and You and Aidan have been a part of all who know and love You... Big Hugs, Love and Support Susan xxxx




trish said...

I don't even know what to say. It's ridiculous the benefits biological parents are given, no matter how much they've neglected or abused a child. It really makes me angry. And now I'm doubly angry, since this affects you. :(

Irene McKenna said...

Ryan, we don't know each other, but I was saddened by your post. I can only imagine what you and your nephew are both going through.

I agree with Trish -- it's a travesty that biological parents have so many legal rights in our society. Biology and giving birth aren't what makes you a parent -- it's about time, commitment, and love. I have no doubt that you are his dad in every way that counts.

I am so very sorry for what you're going through.

Jeremy said...

My heart goes out to you.